


Forgetful By Choice

by Semi_problematic



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-16 23:37:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14821073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Semi_problematic/pseuds/Semi_problematic
Summary: "You two are so perfect, I'm surprised the ghost even went after you.."Sam was caught off guard by that. He ducked his head down, shamefully, avoiding Deans gaze. "I would never cheat on Jessica, I love her, the ghost was just... I don't know. But I've been faithful. I haven't ever cheated on someone. No drunk, random sex. No kissing strangers at parties. When I love someone I love them, no one else."





	Forgetful By Choice

Dean would be lying if he said he wasn't upset about Sams interview. Over the past few days things had almost become normal again. They shared a motel room and went out to eat a diners. Sam even pranked him a few times. For a couple of days it was like Sam had never even left. Dean loved it, too. He loved having his brother around again, his best friend. Sam was his everything and when he left for Stanford Dean hardly knew what to do. But now he was back and Dean wasn't going to let him get away that easy. 

"So..." Dean turned and looked at Sam. "You told me that you wanted to marry her... is that true?" Dean had tried to ignore how much they looked alike. Blonde hair and green eyes. It was like Sam was looking for a pathetic copy that could keep him going. But Sam didn't love Dean the same way. Dean had always adored him more. Sam was Deans universe and Dean was just a star to him. "You wanna have a Brady Bunch family?"

"I bought a ring." Deans heart broke for the millionth time that weekend. "I was planning on asking her after the interview. Maybe during Thanksgiving break, maybe before." Sam shrugged, the light from street lamps catching in his eyes. "I hope she'll say yes. She's never really been into all the romantic stuff like I am-" 

"No one is into romance as much as you are, Sam." Sam had always loved Valentines Day. He would spend hours working on cards for Dean to give him. Sam didn't grow out of it either. Sam told Dean he was leaving for Stanford after Valentine's Day. Dean still had the pink paper, covered in glitter and cursive writing. "She'll say yes, who wouldn't? You're just so damn adorable." Sam laughed as if Dean was kidding. He wasn't. 

"I've been planning this for a while but after that ghost..." Sam looked out the window. "I just wanna make her mine before anything happens to me or her. We can get married, I'll invite my friends to the wedding-" Deans stomach dropped. "My best man will be Brady, since he was the one who introduced us. We would be nothing without him." Sam rambled off other wedding plans without missing a beat. "It's gonna be perfect." 

"Yeah," Dean tightened his grip on the wheel. "I'm sure it will be." Dean looked at Sam, not bothering to focus on the road. Part of him wanted to wreck, crash into something on the drivers side and get hurt real bad. Have Sam cry and beg for him to be okay. Sam used to love Dean, worship the ground he walked on. But now it's all changed. Sam barely looked at him. It hurt him more than any monster ever had. "You two are so perfect, I'm surprised the ghost even went after you.." 

Sam was caught off guard by that. He ducked his head down, shamefully, avoiding Deans gaze. "I would never cheat on Jessica, I love her, the ghost was just... I don't know. But I've been faithful. I haven't ever cheated on someone. No drunk, random sex. No kissing strangers at parties. When I love someone I love them, no one else." 

"Do you think thoughts count?" Dean was trying to play it off like they were doing research, like he was planning on adding more details about the ghost into dad's journal, but he wasn't. He just wanted to know. "A girl I was with once yelled at me because I checked another girl out. She said cheated didn't have to be extreme, like kissing or sex, but it can be emotionally. Like a want-" Dean shrugged, cutting himself off. "She wanted to get married, though, so I wouldn't trust her judgement." 

"That's dumb," Sam shook his head. He was being defensive, then again 90% of his teen years were spent that way. Arguging. Being angry. Then getting defensive. "Thoughts aren't cheating, Dean. They're just thoughts. Actions are whats really bad." 

"I'm not saying they are, I'm just saying that's what some chick told me, calm down." Sam was always one to get fired up. It was odd to Dean that out of the two, Sam struggled more with his anger issues. He understood it, though. It was the same way as John controlling Sam the entire time they were growing up, so now Sam wants to call the shots. He wants to lead the hunts and make his own choices. Dean was proud, then again, he was always proud of Sam. 

"Yeah, okay." Sam sunk down in his seat, pressing his forehead to the cool window. "I just..." He shook his head. "Thoughts don't mean shit. I... I didn't act on it. I never would. Ever, Dean. A ghost can't just judge me for my thoughts..." He rubbed his face, sighing. "I already judged myself enough for it."

"I'm sure it wasn't that bad." Dean smiled. "I mean, I used to have crushes on women who looked like mom. That's weird, I judged myself for it, but then I got over it. It's not a big deal." He waited for a laugh that never came. Dean was never good with feelings, so whenever Sam was sad he would just try to make him laugh. When Sam was younger, fourteen or fifteen, Dean would just kiss and cuddle him and talk to him all sweet. Now, though, now it would be weird, because they were both older and they both knew better. "You're over it, right?" 

"I thought I was over him.." Sam had never came out to Dean, but Dean always knew. Whenever they would go out Sam would act uninterested in the dates. He would always talk more with the male waiters than the girl he was sitting with. That might have been just a phase, though. Sam grew up with only men, maybe women scared him. But maybe it wasn't a phase and that was why this was so hard on Sam. "I spent four years trying to get over him. I thought it worked." 

"And?" It hurt hearing about the people Sam loved. Sam never told him about crushes when they were younger, Dean simply had to guess. And now four years had passed which only made it worse. Dean barely knew the boy sitting only inches away from him and it ripped him apart inside. 

"I thought about kissing him again," Sam was looking at the street signs, waiting for this to end. Waiting to climb out of the car and walk away from Dean with his bag in hand for the second time. "You missed the street." Sam whispered, turning and looking at Dean. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back. "I thought about kissing him and how badly I used to want him and it just... this hunt ruined it all." 

"Who was it?" Dean wanted to say it was him. He wanted to tell Sam that it was okay, that he spent years trying to push it down, and that they're adults and they can do it now. But Sam would never love him. Sam loved thin girls who were smart and driven. He loved boys who read books and could watch movies with him for hours. He loved boys that weren't Dean. "C'mon," Dean nudged him. "I won't tell them."

"You." Sam sounded like he was crying. "That's why I left. To make it go away." Deans heart was in his throat. "I've felt it since I was twelve and by eighteen I learned it wasn't harmless. It was sick and disgusting and I was just like the things we hunt and I just..." He shook his head. "I wanted to quit hunting because I realized I was no different than the things I killed, Dean." 

Dean was silent, his mind whirling and his heart slamming against his rib cage. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears, drowning out the music and Sam speaking. He turned around in a parking lot, driving back up towards the road he tried to skip. Sam wanted him, Sam wanted to kiss him and touch him. But Sam left because of it. For years Dean blamed John, but he was the real reason. Not hunting, not fighting, but Dean.

"Say something," Sam whispered. "Dean, I'm going to leave in five minutes, please, we need to talk this out." They didn't. They both knew it, too. Sam was going to leave and everything was going to become painfully boring once more. "Dean-" 

"I wanted it," Dean mumbled. "I wanted it bad, but I knew I shouldn't, so I didn't. Didn't wanna hurt my baby brother." He smiled. Pathetic and sad, those were the two words to describe it. "I slept with girls because it was okay to like them. Not boys, never baby brothers." He looked at Sam, his sad little smile calling when Sam looked away. "But I felt it, too." 

"I thought I was evil," Sam whispered. "Dad always brought up curses and things, said I had to be a sign." He shook his head. "This doesn't matter, Dean. We... we're good. You and dad are doing what you love and I'm... I'm happy." 

"You're what love," Dean swallowed his pride with. He looked at Sam, all but begging. "Come on," He breathed out. "You can't... you can't tell me you aren't over me then tell me you're happy-" 

"I am," Sam snapped. "And I will be." He grabbed for the handle like he was going to climb out and find his way home. "In three minutes my life will go back to normal. I can pretend I never wanted my brother and I can propose to my girlfriend and get into the law school I want. And in three minutes you-" 

"Will be alone again." Dean pulled up outside of Sams home, ready to pull out his lighter and set the thing on fire. Deans home was Sam, he wanted to rip open his chest and make a home in his heart. A home where Jessica never touched it. "But whatever. You're happy, it's whatever." This is what he got for trying. "Hope you have fun defending criminals and going to frat parties." 

Sam grabbed his bag and pushed open the door. It wasn't about feeling good, now. It was about hurting the other. It was about making sure they weren't the one feeling more pain. "Like you're any better than them," Sam hissed, shoving the door open and climbing out. He leaned over, talking through the half cracked window. "Maybe I'll join you again.." 

"Wait another four years," Dean mumbled. "Then you can walk back in and walk back out like the curse you are." Sam barely had his hand off of the car by the time Dean sped off. He wasn't allowing himself to watch Sam walk out of his life, not again.


End file.
